1. I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know which comes first.

2. My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy. At least, that’s what she said in her diary.

3. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

4. I burned 1,000 calories today. I forgot my pizza in the oven.

5. Why don’t trees use cell phones?

They’re rooted in the past.

6. Why do graveyards have fences?

Because people are dying to get in.

7. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

8. I dressed up as bread for Halloween. I’m a loaf-saver!

9. I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money—he just stands there clapping.

10. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

11. I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

12. I told my cat a joke. He purred with laughter.

13. My job application asked me to describe myself in three words. I wrote, “Not very good at math.”

14. I wanted to lose weight, so I stopped eating in fast-forward. I’ve gone on pause.

15. My husband told me he’d stop snoring if I stopped throwing things at him.

16. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

17. I told my coworkers a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.

18. I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.

19. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

21. I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work. She said, “How do you know it was on its way to work?”

22. What do you call a group of musical whales?

An orca-stra.

23. I saw a squirrel at the park. He was nuts!

24. Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

25. Why don’t oranges do well in school?

They always concentrate!

26. I tried to catch fog at work once… I mist.

27. Why do golfers bring extra socks?

In case they get a hole in one.

28. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

29. My wife says I’m cheap, but I’m not buying it.

30. Why don’t skeletons fight?

They don’t have the guts.

31. My New Year’s resolution was to stop procrastinating. I’ll start tomorrow.

32. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.

33. I ran out of shampoo in the shower, so I used dish soap. Now I have squeaky-clean hair!

34. I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’ll be okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

35. My wallet is like an onion—opening it makes me cry.

36. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

37. Parallel lines have so much in common… it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

38. Marriage is just texting each other “Do we need anything from the store?” until one of you dies.

39. My vacuum stopped working, but it sure did suck before that.

40. Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

41. I told my family I wouldn’t open another Christmas present. But then I wrapped my head around it.

42. I ate a clock yesterday; it was very time-consuming.

43. I once entered a pun contest. I sent in ten puns, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

44. I couldn’t figure out why my baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

45. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

46. Why don’t vampires like Taylor Swift?

Because she has bad blood.

47. I told my lamp a joke. It was delighted!

48. I tried to make a coat out of candy, but it was a sweet disaster.

49. My boyfriend told me he’s scared of commitment. I told him, “That’s okay, we’ll talk about it after our wedding.”

50. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman.

51. I named my dog “5 Miles” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

52. Why don’t you ever trust a math teacher holding graph paper?

They’re plotting something.

53. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… so she gave me a hug.

54. Why don’t calendars work overtime?

They’re already full of dates.

55. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

56. What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

57. I asked the turkey how it felt about Thanksgiving. It said, “I’m stuffed.”

58. I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

59. I told my shoes a joke, but they didn’t lace up.

60. What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

61. What’s the Easter Bunny’s favorite music?

Hip-hop.

62. I tried to organize a hide-and-seek competition, but good players are hard to find.

63. I once told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction.

64. I don’t mind going to work—it’s the eight-hour wait to go home that bothers me.

65. Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it.

66. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They crack each other up.

67. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but I turned myself around.

68. Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

69. I told my plants a joke. They’re rooting for me.

70. Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

71. I told my fridge a joke. It cracked up!

72. What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

73. I cut carbs yesterday… by slicing a pizza.

74. Why don’t programmers like nature?

It has too many bugs.

75. I told my computer a joke, but it didn’t byte.

76. I used to work in a calendar factory, but I got fired for taking too many days off.

77. I made a snowman angry. Now he’s giving me the cold shoulder.

78. I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waist of time.

79. Why don’t ants get sick?

They have tiny ant-bodies.

80. Why don’t skeletons go trick-or-treating?

They have no body to go with.

81. My dog is great at math. I told him to subtract two from four, and he said nothing.

82. Why don’t watermelons get married?

They cantaloupe.

83. Why did the Christmas tree go to therapy?

It was feeling a little fir-y.

84. I opened a pet store specializing in amphibians. It’s a newt business.

85. My desk job is so easy; even my stapler has more tension than I do.

86. I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.

87. I tried being a banker, but I lost interest.