1. Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems.

2. How do you find a spider on the internet?

Check his web site.

3. What did one plate say to the other plate?

Dinner is on me.

4. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

5. What has ears but cannot hear?

A cornfield.

6. Why did the bicycle fall over?

It was two-tired!

7. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

8. What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

9. What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

10. What did the grape do when he got stepped on?

He let out a little wine.

11. What do you get when you cross a chickpea and a vegetable?

Hummuside.

12. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a dog?

Frostbite.

13. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.

14. What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

15. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?

A stick.

16. Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon?

He was outstanding in his field.

17. What kind of shoes do thieves wear?

Sneakers.

18. Why don’t some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don’t work out!

19. How do you count cows?

With a cowculator.

20. What do you call fake spaghetti?

An impasta!

21. What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time.

22. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?

An irrelephant.

23. What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

24. How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

25. Why don’t scientists trust atoms anymore?

Because they make up everything!

26. Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

27. Want to hear a construction joke?

I’m still working on it.

28. What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

29. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?

Because he was always spotted.

30. How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

31. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison.

32. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crummy.

33. Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

34. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You’re too young to smoke.

35. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

36. What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

37. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese.

38. What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

39. Why did the tomato turn red?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

40. How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

41. What do you call a man who can’t stand?

Neil.

42. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman.

43. What do you call a group of unorganized cats?

A cat-astrophe.

44. Why don’t eggs tell jokes?

They’d crack each other up.

45. What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Live stream.

46. Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.

47. What do you call a line of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

48. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

49. How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.

50. How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

51. How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

52. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

53. What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

54. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite.

55. What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

56. What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio?

Cool music.

57. How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

58. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

59. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired!

60. What do you call a pile of cats?

A meowtain.

61. What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

62. Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two-tired.

63. What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

64. What do you call two birds in love?

Tweethearts.

65. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

66. Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

67. Can February March?

No, but April May!

68. What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

69. What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

70. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

They don’t have the guts.

71. Why don’t eggs tell jokes?

They’d crack each other up.

72. What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

73. What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits!

74. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite.

75. Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?

Because they might peel!

76. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down!

77. Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

78. Why did the student eat his homework?

Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.