1. I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut.

2. Rollin’ with the homies.

3. Don’t follow me, I’m lost.

4. I need a six-month holiday, twice a year.

5. That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s and you can’t do it.

6. Can we skip all the small talk and go straight to the part where I’m rich?

7. I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate.

8. I’m not only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

9. Sleep is my favorite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning.

10. Life update: Currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.

11. Treat yourself like a King and you’ll attract your Queen.

12. Me, after a long day of pretending to do work.

13. Vodka may not be the answer but it’s worth a shot.

14. Stop looking for happiness in the same place you just lost it.

15. If at first, you don’t succeed, fix your ponytail, and try again.

16. Mirror: ‘You look cute today.’ Camera: ‘LOL, no.’

17. Legend has it that if you look hard enough at your grocery receipt, you’ll start crying.

18. Relationship status: committed to inner peace, growth, and pepperoni pizza.

19. Some days I amaze myself. Other days I look for my phone while I’m holding it.

20. My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch.

21. You never know what you have… until you clean your room.

22. I’m in a complicated relationship with my snooze button.

23. Be a cupcake in a world of muffins.

24. Sassy, classy with a touch of badassy.

25. I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

26. Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud.

27. I’m a model. My agency’s Instagram.

28. I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

29. I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

30. When your coffee kicks in and you realize what an unstoppable legend you are.

31. Sorry for what I said before I had my coffee.

32. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s an Instagram filter.

33. Today I will be as useless as the letter ‘g’ in lasagna.

34. You can’t do epic stuff with basic people.

35. Why chase you when I’m the catch?

36. The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what’s inside.

37. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

38. Nothing says ‘I mean business’ like using a cart at the liquor store.

39. I don’t sweat—I sparkle.

40. Be as picky with your men as you are with your selfies.

41. My autobiography is this.

42. Motivation level: selfie with a filter.

43. Lost in the world that doesn’t exist.

44. Sure, I do marathons. On Netflix.

45. When nothing goes right, go left.

46. Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity!

47. When Instagram was down, I ran around town shouting ‘like’ at flowers, dogs, and expensive brunches.

48. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

49. Procrastibaking: the art of making cupcakes instead of doing what you should be doing.

50. Keep smiling because life is a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.

51. Just wing it. Life, eyeliner, everything.

52. Don’t study me. You won’t graduate.

53. They say ‘Do what you love’ so I’m doing nothing.

54. Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

55. Keep smiling because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.

56. Currently starring in my own reality show titled, ‘A Modern Cinderella; One Girl’s Search for Love and Shoes’.

57. Trying to be an adult is the worst decision I’ve ever made.

58. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

59. Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

60. I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome!

61. May your coffee be hot and your eyeliner even.

62. A blind man walks into a bar… And a chair… and a table.

63. You did not wake up today to be mediocre.

64. You’re like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.

65. Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!

66. If life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult.

67. Whatever is good for your soul, do that.

68. Warning: You might fall in love with me.

69. If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around.

70. Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.

71. This is me in all my glory.

72. When your brain says ‘crunches’ but your stomach auto-corrects it to ‘cupcakes’.

73. When you’re trying to diet but you’re just a dessertarian at heart.

74. At least this balloon is attracted to me!

75. First rule of Sundays: If you can’t reach it from your couch, you don’t need it.

76. I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

77. Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and a dress.

78. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

79. I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.

80. If we could only turn back time…

81. The idea is to die young . . . as late as possible.

82. An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

83. Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.

84. I must destroy you with hugs and kisses

85. I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.

86. I woke up like this.

87. Reality called, so I hung up.

88. I am not lazy, I am on power-saving mode.

89. If I was funny, I’d have a better Instagram caption for this.

90. Stressed, blessed, and coffee obsessed.

91. Maybe she’s born with it; maybe it’s an Instagram filter.

92. Friday, my second favorite F word.

93. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

94. At least my pizza still loves me.

95. My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

96. Is it just me, or does this coffee taste like I’d rather be sleeping?

97. I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

98. It’s called ‘fashion,’ look it up.

99. A cop pulled me over and told me ‘Papers’, so I said ‘Scissors, I win!’ and drove off.

100. I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge.

101. Today, I will be as useless as the ‘g’ in lasagna.

102. I’m not high maintenance, you’re just low effort.

103. Weekend, please don’t leave me.

104. There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected.

105. Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.