1. Why couldn’t the chemist laugh at the Queen’s Farts?
He was in the noble gas group.
2. What happens when electrons lose their energy?
They get Bohr’ed.
3. Why can’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
4. Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he left the singles bar?
He got Avogadro’s number!
5. What did the atom say after losing an electron?
“I really need to keep an ion them.”
6. What did the scientist say when he discovered two isotopes of helium?
HeHe.
7. What did the positive ion say to the negative ion at the bar?
“I’ve got my ion you.”
8. Why did the chemist sit on a whoopee cushion?
He wanted to experience a different kind of gas law!
9. What did the chemist’s wife say when he tried to explain his job?
“O-Mg, just stop!”
10. What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you might as well barium.
11. What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the gas chromatograph?
“Breaking up is hard to do.”
12. What do chemists do with a dead element?
Barium.
13. What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?
OH SNaP!
14. What element is a girl’s future best friend?
Carbon.
15. Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon?
Because he was a pale-eontologist.
16. Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it’s basic material!
17. Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?
It’s the NH3est stuff on Earth!
18. Why was the molecule of oxygen alone?
Because it had split from its twin, O2.
19. What is a cation afraid of?
A dogion.
20. Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
Because they’re cheaper than day rates.
21. What do you call a ring of iron atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
22. What did the chemical agent say?
“My skills are Bond… James Bond.”
23. Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
Because it was polar.
24. Why did the noble gas cry?
Because all his friends were gone.
25. What did the chemist say when his experiment went perfectly?
“Ox-cellent!”
26. What did one titration tell the other?
“Let’s meet at the endpoint.”
27. What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
“At least I have a degree.”
28. What is the chemical formula for coffee?
CoFe2.
29. Why did the physicist go to the beach?
Because he wanted to study the current.
30. What did the chemist snack on during lunch?
A ‘gram’ cracker.
31. What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
CoRnY.
32. What do you call a molecule of sugar in a gang?
Sucrose with an ‘attitude’.
33. What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o acid.
34. Why don’t chemists fix their own pipes?
Because they deal with solutions, not suspensions.
35. Why did the chemist like the periodic table?
He really enjoyed organizing things.
36. How did the chemist survive the famine?
By subsisting on titrations.
37. What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver?
SWAG.
38. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A one molar solution.
39. What do you call an element that is not going anywhere?
A stay-tium.
40. Why did the chemist stick close to the lab bench?
Because he didn’t want to wander too far from the base.
41. What did the scientist say to the hydrogen atom that claimed it lost an electron?
“Are you positive?”
42. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce ‘unionized.’
43. Why are chemists excellent for solving problems?
They have all the solutions.
44. What did the D.I.Y. book on chemistry say?
“Do it yourself like a proton, stay positive.”
45. What did one ion say to the other?
“I’ve got my ion you.”
46. Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the medical elements?
Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!
47. Why did the chemist look so good at the party?
Because he cleaned up well!
48. What do you call a clown in a molecule?
A silly-con.
49. What do you do to count cows?
Use a calculator.
50. Why are chemists great for solving problems?
They have all the solutions.
51. What did one charged atom say to the other?
I’ve got my ion you.
52. Why did the acid go to the gym?
To become a buffer solution!
53. What happens when Silver surfs the internet?
He gets a great connection because he’s Ag!
54. Why don’t chemists joke about hydrogen?
It’s no laughing matter.
55. What do you call an organic compound with an attitude?
A-mean-o acid.
56. Why don’t secrets last long in a chemistry lab?
Because they leak out through the pipettes.
57. Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?
Because it’s pretty basic stuff!
58. Why did the noble gas cry?
Because all his friends Argon.
59. What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium!
60. Why do chemists learn about ammonia first?
Because it’s pretty basic.
61. How do you call a swimmer who is also a chemist?
A pool-mologist.
62. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
63. Why did the chemist coat his shoes with silicone rubber?
He wanted to reduce his carbon footprint.
64. Why don’t chemists make good relationships?
They’re too good at finding solutions.
65. Why are helium, curium, and barium the healing elements?
Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!
66. What did the proton say to the electron?
“Stop being so negative!”
67. What element is derived from a Norse god?
Thorium.
68. What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?
2 Na.
69. What did the chemist say when he found two helium atoms?
“HeHe!”
70. What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of helium?
HeHe.
71. Why do chemists like algorithms?
They like to solve for X.
72. Why did the chemist enjoy reading the book about helium?
He couldn’t put it down!
73. What do you call an ionic compound that’s feeling down?
A cry-stal.
74. What did the chemistry teacher say when a student asked about nitrogen oxide?
“NO laughing matter!”
75. What did the scientist receive on Halloween?
Moles of candy.