Clean jokes are harder to write than they look.

Anyone can get a laugh with something shocking. Getting a laugh with something that works for absolutely everyone in the room (kids, grandparents, your coworker who has no sense of humor, the friend who judges everything) takes actual skill. The best clean jokes do not feel watered down. Smart is the right word for them. The kind where you groan and laugh at the same time and then immediately want to share them.

That is what this list is. Eighty-three jokes you can read out loud anywhere, to anyone, without a second thought.

Why Clean Jokes Are Actually the Best Ones to Save

Most people scroll past the edgy jokes because they can only use them in about two situations. A clean joke works at a family dinner, in a classroom, at a work meeting that needs lightening up, in a card for someone you do not know well, or just as a random text to make someone smile on a Wednesday.

The more places a joke works, the more valuable it is. Save a few of these and you will always have something ready when someone says “tell me a joke” and your brain immediately goes blank.

Hilarious Clean Jokes

Classic Clean Jokes

1. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
2. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
3. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
4. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
5. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
6. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it’d be a foot.
7. Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
8. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
9. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They might crack up.
10. What did one plate say to the other? “Lunch is on me!”

Animal Jokes

11. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels!
12. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
13. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
14. Why did the pony get sent to his room? He wouldn’t stop horsing around.
15. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? She’ll let it go!
16. Why did the cat sit on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse!
17. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
18. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
19. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
20. What’s a dog’s favorite kind of pizza? Pup-eroni!

Food Jokes

21. What’s a vegetable’s favorite martial art? Carrot-e!
22. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
23. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!
24. Why don’t bananas ever get lonely? They hang out in bunches.
25. What kind of tea is hardest to swallow? Reality.
26. Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don’t peel!
27. What’s a taco’s favorite type of music? Wrap music.
28. What did the gingerbread man use to fix his house? Icing and gumdrops!
29. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It felt crumby.
30. How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste!

Kid-Friendly Jokes

31. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? To go to high school!
32. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
33. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
34. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
35. What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet!
36. What’s the best way to throw a party on Mars? You planet!
37. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
38. What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!
39. Why did the student eat their homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
40. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

Clean Puns and Wordplay

41. Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on many levels.
42. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
43. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it.
44. Why was the calendar so popular? It had a lot of dates.
45. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
46. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
47. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
48. Why don’t we ever tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!
49. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!
50. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”

Silly Clean Jokes

51. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
52. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
53. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
54. Why did the photo go to jail? It was framed!
55. Why can’t you trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
56. What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
57. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.
58. How do you organize a birthday party in space? You planet.
59. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no-body to go with.
60. What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake!

Workplace Jokes

61. Why did the computer go to the doctor? It caught a virus.
62. Why did the banker switch careers? He lost interest.
63. What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
64. Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
65. Why did the cookie apply for a job? It wanted to make some dough.
66. Why did the notebook feel unimportant? It was just a spiral in a bigger binder.
67. Why did the office worker quit? They felt de-pressed.
68. Why was the stapler so loud? It couldn’t keep it together.
69. What’s a librarian’s favorite saying? “Read it and reap!”
70. Why don’t photocopiers ever lie? Because they always make a good impression.

Clean Jokes for Everyday Life

71. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
72. Why did the belt get arrested? It held up a pair of pants.
73. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
74. Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
75. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
76. What did one hat say to the other? “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.”
77. Why did the clock get kicked out of class? It was tock-ing too much.
78. Why do mushrooms always get invited to parties? They’re such fungi.
79. Why was the broom late? It swept in.
80. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus!

Holiday-Themed Clean Jokes

81. Why did the turkey join a band? Because it had the drumsticks!
82. What do you call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause.
83. Why was the Easter egg so excited? It just got laid!

Wrapping Up

Pick your favorites and keep them somewhere you can actually find them. A good clean joke is one of those things that always earns its place.